I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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