It was confusing and full of hummus
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Even my vagina gasped.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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