so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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