Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
