Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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