She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
