somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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