i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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