Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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