I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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