So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
