Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
