So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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