his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
