I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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