smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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