THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
