I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
