i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
