I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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