The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
