last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
