We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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