Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize