I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
