i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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