All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
