Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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