I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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