i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
