You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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