dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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