I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
