whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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