I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
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And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
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I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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