I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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