accomplished twins. life is a go
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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