I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
