I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
