her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
