you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
