I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
