I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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