We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
