I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
