I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
