Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
