If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
