kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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