I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
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