I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
