I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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