i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
