What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
